Photo

Fri, 19 Apr 2013 03:13:05 -0400

Didn’t get wasted on 21st. ops

Wed, 20 Feb 2013 13:23:30 -0500

Didn’t get wasted on 21st. ops

Photo

Sat, 09 Feb 2013 02:32:04 -0500

What happened man? Life used to be about vidya games not physical growth.

Tue, 05 Feb 2013 17:01:53 -0500

http://youtu.be/ZQ7oqmikZDQ

My long winded retort to the past year of my life

Sat, 26 Jan 2013 02:18:00 -0500

Transcribed here is the unrelenting storm of thoughts that have been plaguing my daily behaviors and well my life in general. These are my demons and my skeletons in my closet that have long disturbed me. Hopefully through use of some cognitive therapy their burdens will be lessened. Whether or not that actually happens is about to be seen. Please note that this is indeed but a pathetic rant from a person who is all too privileged. A person who acts as if he has seen the world’s true face when in reality he hasn’t even began to gaze upon the splendor that approaches on the horizon. So take this for what it is, an immature rambling of a boy who is (very) slowly coming of age.

The past year has been what a sarcastic person would call “fun”. It was full of rude awakenings and self-realizations that merely had been laying in the shadows my entire life, pulling at the strings unknown to me. To start out I guess I can shed light on the fact of personal expression. More to the point talking to people. For most of my life (if not all) I have been lumped into the “quiet” category, soft-spoken, shy, etc. This fact I took mostly with a grain of salt. In fact I didn’t really pay it no mind so to speak till well, a year ago. It was more obvious at some kind of function for my distant family. Maybe it was the situation, but either way it more or less played out as any other social gathering I seldom attend. Practically the whole time was spent with me just sitting there observing everyone in their conversations. Every once in a while someone would make “small talk” with me. You know the usual “Oh hey you go to school?” “How’s high school?” “How’s the rain on the plain in Spain?” The general rubbish people say when you’re more or less a stranger. I’ve been through this countless times where the talking stops shortly after that for some reason. Perhaps its my blank stare or lack of contribution but it is often clear that they would rather converse with someone other than me so they drop the classic “Nice talking to you” line and get up and walk away to talk to some other soul about whatever they talk about. I was more or less okay with for most of my life but now learning that being the mumbling shy person doesn’t exactly get your fingers in any pies, I’m pretty fed up with it. That and you know sitting all lonesome only works in cowboy movies anyways. I’ve come to notice that the loner life isn’t all that I thought it was. I talk like I chose this “way of life” because well when it comes down to it the person who controls that thing called a mouth is you, yourself. And by not saying anything I’ve coasted or drifted into the empty lonesome life that I have now. See what I hear or read in today’s world is that well in order to put your foot in the door you either have to be the absolute best or have connections and skills. Me being a little rational, see that being the absolute best at something is much more harder than to simply have connections and skills. So without a doubt now after finally waking up from whatever daze I’ve been in notice that well having social skills and well having “conversations” with people can bear fruit. A lot of it too.

But of course my noticed lack of social skills didn’t exactly stop there, it spread branches into other thoughts. I began to look into what else I lack (that and what I had). Not to be a downer but coasting through your life does not really grant you much in the fields of passion and convictions. By simply coasting I allowed myself to be swayed any direction, changing my stance simply to please whomever I was accompanying. This makes you seem spineless and slowly you forget what or who you were and turn into shell. With this chosen lifestyle I slowly indeed lost my identity bending to whatever trend the people around me came into liking. Now I am by no means saying that all actions I did previously were ones that were against my liking. Heavens no. Not all my memories are shaded by discomfort. I am simply making the point that I was coasting and just going with the flow of whatever people wanted to do often. Not exactly peer pressure but maybe just a dash of it. Either way I wasn’t thinking for myself at times and was in essence being a pushover. That’s not to say I was not stubborn. I was stubborn in my ways of approaching social interactions in the degree that I would only do them if absolutely necessary. And most likely stubborn on other thing as well (whatever they were matter not at this point I presume). I guess the point I’m vaguely trying to make here is that I was a seldom stubborn shy pushover. I use all this past tense when actually I’m still dealing with a lot of these problems now. I haven’t exactly transformed into the social butterfly that can smoothly talk his in way into situations (or out). In fact I am still in a very similar spot to where I was in past. I stumble and mumble my words when I rarely do have conversations to people. In fact I failed to get a job for that very reason. These have become a handicap and well hold me back keeping my in a loop if I never do anything. It is these things that make most of my relations with people distant ones. As much as it pains me to say I’m not exactly as close to anyone as I would like to be. Not that I’m that sure what exactly “close” is at this point. See by having a lost identity you lose track of what you truly want at the end of the day. It warps your way of thinking so to speak (at least for me) and I often find myself wondering what to do and why (then regret the decision for another one).

Now time to get into something that I very much don’t like talking about but want to get off my chest. That is none other than romance. Hopefully I wont step on any toes talking about this but hey this has been stirring around in my head for far too long. That and well I feel a bit pathetic talking about it. Believe or not I was a romantic. Coming from parents that are pretty much young love that turned into a long stable marriage (my parents met at like age 18 and 20 mind you) this painted a picture for whatever reason that romance was something that well worked and was easy to find. This and exposure to bullshit that movies feed you turned me into a “selfish romantic”. A term I coined after I read (here comes the rubbish) JGL’s take on his character in “500 Days of Summer.” For the longest time I believed that getting a girlfriend would solve all my problems. That her presence would magically whisk my troubles away and turn my life from some sort of nightmare into some sort fantasy bullshit. Its that kind of thinking that is absolutely wrong and bullshit I’ve come to learn. It’s with this thought and my out right spineless self that I devolved into some needy hypocrite (at least what I recall). Maybe I was maybe I wasn’t the point remains that I saw romance as some sort of magical thing that solved all your problems. Abandoning this thought was hands down one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. It is funny though how in the past I deemed myself as quite the mature fellow, when in reality I am at my core quite the opposite.

I guess I can also get into another subject that also steps on toes and that is friendship. As of recently (that year time frame is totally recent) I have started thinking what exactly makes a person a suitable role as “friend”. Let alone what makes a person a good friend and what makes a person just a friend. This is one thing I have yet to figure out seeing as I have the great (and terrible) tendency to put much (unintentional) distance between myself and those I talk to. Perhaps its my wandering quest to figure out exactly who or what I aim to be or are, that causes this confusion. Either way it has become very taxing to talk to some people about anything these days simply because my definition of both “good” and “friend” have seem to lost their meaning. This again combined with a lack of good ability of self expression multiplies it and leaves me wondering.

At this point my desire to write has left me. Whatever troubling thoughts I normally have are replaced by the want to sleep. So now I leave this with an open end, for there are more thoughts that trouble me but I simply can not be asked to write them now.

hipsterpaladin: SWEAT PANTS FOR THREE DAYS STRAIGHT MOTHER FUCKER ghey

Sun, 13 Jan 2013 23:52:09 -0500

hipsterpaladin:

SWEAT PANTS FOR THREE DAYS STRAIGHT MOTHER FUCKER

ghey

"Revenge is for dreams never for reality"

Sun, 13 Jan 2013 00:53:48 -0500

“Revenge is for dreams never for reality”

- Gully Foyle

lovedota2: It’s just magic

Mon, 07 Jan 2013 00:47:34 -0500

lovedota2:

It’s just magic

the gif that saved my winter break

Sun, 06 Jan 2013 23:41:00 -0500

the gif that saved my winter break

I’ll win grand prize with my super secret alco-hog

Sat, 29 Dec 2012 03:57:38 -0500

I’ll win grand prize with my super secret alco-hog

Best part is that I dont drunk dial. I suppose.

Sat, 01 Dec 2012 02:25:35 -0500

Best part is that I dont drunk dial. I suppose.

I haven’t been this blitzed in a long time

Sat, 01 Dec 2012 02:21:57 -0500

I haven’t been this blitzed in a long time

Video

Wed, 07 Nov 2012 20:26:38 -0500

catbountry: BANTHA PUG. OH MY SHIT.

Wed, 07 Nov 2012 19:04:57 -0500

catbountry:

BANTHA PUG.

OH MY SHIT.

Long post on self analysis incoming.

Thu, 01 Nov 2012 04:02:14 -0400

Long post on self analysis incoming.

Video

Sun, 21 Oct 2012 02:58:27 -0400

Artist appreciation: Kelsey Shannon on Batman Adventures &...

Sun, 14 Oct 2012 14:29:59 -0400

Artist appreciation: Kelsey Shannon on Batman Adventures & Justice League Adventures

"obligatory post about loneliness at 4 a.m. post."

Mon, 08 Oct 2012 04:34:26 -0400

“obligatory post about loneliness at 4 a.m. post.”

- me

Video

Sun, 30 Sep 2012 17:51:15 -0400

Look at this fucking photo. Never have my emotions been bundled...

Sat, 29 Sep 2012 19:30:00 -0400

Look at this fucking photo. Never have my emotions been bundled so well in a picture.

Kurtzbeck Drop Wizard

Photo

Didn’t get wasted on 21st. ops

Photo

What happened man? Life used to be about vidya games not physical growth.

My long winded retort to the past year of my life

hipsterpaladin: SWEAT PANTS FOR THREE DAYS STRAIGHT MOTHER FUCKER ghey

"Revenge is for dreams never for reality"

lovedota2: It’s just magic

the gif that saved my winter break

I’ll win grand prize with my super secret alco-hog

Best part is that I dont drunk dial. I suppose.

I haven’t been this blitzed in a long time

Video

catbountry: BANTHA PUG. OH MY SHIT.

Long post on self analysis incoming.

Video

Artist appreciation: Kelsey Shannon on Batman Adventures &...

"obligatory post about loneliness at 4 a.m. post."

Video

Look at this fucking photo. Never have my emotions been bundled...